COFFEE TECHNOLOGY
It’s cold outside, really cold, that cold that chills you through to the bone, that cold that rips the flesh fright off your face and deposits it in a snow bank where cakes of black slush have piled high from the filthy plows and the indignation of who knows what kind of animals. It’s with that in mind that I curl up next to the heater with Styrofoam (I’m sure there’s a ™ there somewhere) mug (motto: "keeping beer lukewarm for years") of Almond Amaretto Choice.
As I watch the Braun JavaMaster 9000 bring forth is inky treat, I think about how coffee technology has improved over the years. We live in the modern age, so we don’t have to suffer through the trials and tribulations (an inseparable pair) that our forebears did just to have a cup of joe.
The automatic drip coffee maker was invented in the 1960s by a research team of aerospace engineers (affectionately known as "geeks") from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, using the same military technology that was being used in the SR-71 Blackbird, perhaps the fastest plane ever to zoom across the skies (and gather the coffee secrets of our enemies). Before that, however, coffee life was hell.
The most ancient of civilizations did not drink coffee, they sniffed it. Unfortunately, too many of them died from getting beans stuck up their nose (there were no emergency rooms or tweezers in those days). They then tried eating them. They would pick the beans from the plant and chew them, following it with a handful (literally) of fetid water from a nearby stagnant pond (note: you can still get this flavor from any number of truck stops along America’s highways). Unfortunately, dental technology was also not what it is today. The rather tough bean casings caused quite a few cracked teeth.
When we began to settle in villages and farm the land, the first great advancement in coffee technology came in the form of the donkey. Now, kilos of beans could be picked and hauled off in baskets to the village square, where they would be chewed in communal gatherings, after which they could be washed down with superior fetid water from the village well.
The ancient Egyptians were the first to actually drink coffee. The Pharoah Miniminimes IV so loved coffee that he ordered great storage silos built for his beloved beans. One day, however, the Nile flooded and his beans were swept into the furious waters. Pharoah was distraught until one of his servant brought in an urn filled with the now-black Nile water. He drank and was amazed. He immediately ordered all coffee in Egypt thrown into the river. The desert summer provided the first hot cup of coffee, the first coffee break and the first class-action suit for coffee burning an idiot who tried to driver her chariot with a cup of coffee between her legs. The final tribute to Pharoah’s love of coffee was the gilt cup and saucer that graverobbers subsequently stole from his tomb.
Coffee science stagnated for a few thousand years after that. The Peruvians were the first to add sugar to their brew; the Swedish the first to add milk. In the Middle Ages, St. Thomas of Squatney invented the first coffee filter, a ram’s bladder scraped paper-thin that was held over the cup as the coffee was poured, collecting all the foul bits that had up until that time either been eaten or strewn about to ward off evil spirits.
In the 1940s, the electric percolator was invented by none other than US President Harry S Truman, who loved nothing more than going down to the White House garage and using the power tools. Trying to combine two functions, he made his prototype of the percolator out of little chocolate biscuits. Needless to say, it was a complete disaster.
The next time you wish to be tragically hip and stop into Starbucks or some trendy espresso bar, sacrifice some creme fraiche to those coffee drinkers that have come before you. They have lain that smooth, heady path down which you walk every morning.