COWS
Saturday is the day I enjoy coffee the most. It’s not the rushed "drink it and get on with it" cup, it’s relaxed, leisurely, and pleasant. This morning, I pulled down my American Bar Association mug (motto: "go ahead, we’re an easy target") and filled it with the Breakfast Blend. The Amaretto was for medicinal purposes only.
I sat out on the veranda overlooking the lovely pastoral countryside. Our neighbors own cows, and they were doing what cows do best: standing around. It reminded me of many teenagers I know. I observed cow behavior for many house and have drawn a number of interesting conclusions (which will go into my Thesis should I pursue that degree in Bovinology).
Contrary to popular belief, the bovine community is a s regimented and hierarchical as that of the ant. There are worker cows, warrior cows, and queen cows. Each has its responsibility in the complex layers of cow society.
The warrior cow is the protector. These cows are those that stand closest to the fence and tractor paths, warning of potential dangers, such as farm machinery or drunken teenagers out for some "tipping". Normally peaceful and courteous, the warrior is a dangerous foe when the safety of the herd is threatened.
A sub-class of the warrior is the scout cow. This is the one you’ll see with its head through the fence sampling the roadside grass or picking at the tasty morsels a tree might offer. The duty of the scout is two-fold. First, the scout seeks out new sources of food. Second, it ensures that these new sources are both edible and delicious. Of course, there is an entire body of scout-cow work (passed down orally) on which plants are the best to eat. Most good scouts know how to identify and avoid wild onions, with flatulence already being a major bovine problem.
The bulk of bovine society is made up of the worker cow. These are the cows mostly found grouped together in the center of the herd or in the barn. From these cows, milk is gathered to trade with humans for hay (a delicacy in many circles). Worker cows will group together to discuss milk-giving strategy and tips for avoiding the butcher’s block.
At the apex of cow society is the Queen. The Queen has the undying loyalty of all cows in the herd, who live only to serve her. Hidden away in a secret place in the barnyard (or sometimes the meadow), the Queen is always guarded by six of the most powerful warriors and serviced by The Bull, who also doubles as Captain of the Guard. The Queen is the only cow allowed to bear young. When fertile, she will commonly lay between 100,000 and 200,000 eggs. Less than 1% of those will live to maturity (many of the remainder becoming a nice Veal Piccata).
When an old Queen dies or becomes hamburger, all eligible workers (those of exemplary service, anyway) compete to take her place. There is a Great Moo, where all the cows of the herd gather together under the light of the full moon. The participants perform their ancient songs until the sun rises. The cow that has kept awake the most people is declared the Queen. There is an immediate ritual mater with her new Bull, after which all members of the herd perform the Ritual Standing Around for 3 days. After this, it’s back to business as usual for these fierce, exciting and intriguing animals.
The calm demeanor of these great beasts hides their true nature. Long thought to be docile, we now know the cow to be anything but. One can only wonder how "domesticated" these fierce behemoths truly are.