FAN MAIL
Okay, okay, so I couldn’t stay off the coffee bit forever. Plus, I was urged to continue it by Loyal Reader AE of Fort Lee, New Jersey. I’ll quote her letter (which had been edited for grammar and content, because, unlike me, she’s not a professional) whilst I sip some Folger’s French Roast (it was on sale) from my "Wayne Newton’s 25,000th Show" mug (motto: I am NOT involved with Organized Crime).
"Dear Mr. Menery,
You are undoubtedly the most talented writer born this century. I away each of your columns with the anticipation of a child at Christmas. Your wit is sharper than Dave Barry’s, your humor more dry than Letterman’s. I predict that if you continue, you’ll be even more famous than Susan Lucci.
You may not remember me, but we’ve met on several occasions, the latest being in a dark theatre somewhere on the European mainland. I didn’t want to approach you because you were with a woman who may have been your wife (are you married?--if you’re not maybe we could play Parcheesi sometime). She’s not what I expected (if she is your wife; if not, shame on you!). I always pictured you with a woman considerably taller than you are.
Anyway, as I was saying, please don’t get rid of the coffee thing. I really love it, especially the little quotes on the mug. Are those real? Once of my hobbies is ceramics (along with knitting, especially things with kittens on them, macaroni sculptures and Chaos Theory) and I’ve made mugs to go with every column you’ve ever written. I drink my morning herbal tea (sorry, but coffee makes me, well, windy) from the mug I’ve made from the previous day’s column. It really improves the flavor and makes the Prozac tablets melt easily.
There are some things I don’t understand, though. Who is Simon de Montfort? You referenced him twice. Is he the person who made up "Simon Says"? Who is Dennis Miller and why do you feel like him? Is his wife too young for him, too? Did you really watch those cows, or did you make that whole thing up? I grew up on a farm (in Sioux City, Iowa) and I never saw a single Warrior Cow.
I’ll close by saying I think you’re fabulous and I admit having dreamt about you once or twice. The last time, we visited Old Faithful, the Eiffel Tower and the Taj Mahal (it you don’t know what that last place is, it’s man’s greatest erection ever for a woman). If you’re ever in the neighborhood, please feel free to drop by where I live with my cats, Matthew, Mark, Luke and Julio.
Your devoted fan (and not an axe-murderer, I promise)
AE