HORSE OINTMENT
I was sipping a mug of Jamaica Blue Mountain from my Finabocci mug (motto 1,2,3,4,8,14), and listening to one of those records from the ‘60s. I kicked back, enjoyed the aroma, closed my eyes, and listed to the music.
We skipped the light fandango…
Dancing is good. It is the most primitive of Man’s art forms, one that he practiced ages before he could even speak. Back then, "Club Music" meant something completely different. There was generally a large piece of wood involved.
Turned cartwheels ‘cross the floor…
Now we’re moving into gymnastics. Is this a sport or art form? Some say it’s both, but I say it’s just malnourished little girls jumping around. Plus, the idea of competitive art never appealed to me. What comes after Poetry Contests? Xylophone Races?
I was feeling kind of seasick…
Which I can understand with all that dancing and cartwheeling. Probably should have waited to have lunch.
When the crowd called out for more…
If someone’s getting seasick, the LAST thing I’m calling out for is MORE.
The room was spinning higher…
Here we go back to twirling again. I’m already tired of this, and we’ve just gotten started. Why can’t we don something sedentary, like write interesting articles, for a change?
And the ceiling flew away…
It’s the Truth: There has recently been a rise in the number of ceilings flying away in the states of Alaska, Alabama and Arizona. It think it’s connected with that "begins with A, ends with A" thing.
When we called out for another drink…
Strangely enough, there has also been a rise in the number of alcohol-related incidents in Alaska, Alabama and Arizona.
The waiter brought his tray…
I’ve found it very difficult to tell the straight people from the gay people in Europe. Things are much clearer in the States. Here, I’ll point out someone who I think might be gay, and my wife will say "No, he’s just French".
And so it was, that later, as the miller told his tale…
Millers are people that were once very important in village life. In modern society, we don’t have need for them, because we have huge factories that take care of our grains. If someone is a miller, it’s likely that he’s an unemployed miller. No doubt his tale, then, will be about how society failed to support him in his chosen profession. Fortunately, when the millers saw that their profession was dying out and that they would be taken over by big business, they branched out. Millers Union Local 928 in Milwaukee formed a little company to distribute quality ladies’ undergarments. Unfortunately, in the 1880s, that meant they were made out of burlap. The venture failed miserably. They traded their burlap for a shipment of animals to be involved in medical experiments. When they sold the animals (it was the Good Ole Days: no animal rights activists) to the laboratory, they were given a free sample of the lab’s experimental horse ointment. It didn’t do much for horses, but they found it tasted rather crisp and refreshing, especially when consumed with hot dogs. They pooled the remainder of their capital and bought the recipe for the horse ointment. They then tinkered with the recipe to give it a pleasant amber color, and put it on the mass market. That company became (I swear, I’m not making this up) The Miller Brewing Company, maker of America’s finest beers. If you ever meet one of their executives, ask him about the Horse Ointment story.
That her face at first just ghostly turned a whiter shade of pale.
No doubt allergic to Horse Ointment.