How Long Are You?
Nothing goes better with my coffee than reputable morning television programs. I clicked on the telly (Brit-speak for Boob Tube) and made a pot of industrial strength French Roast (are you getting the international flavor of this column yet?). I then tuned into my favorite morning show "The Perky Lady, The Natty Newscaster, and the Fat Weatherman".
There I saw the heart-warming story of baseball player Cal Ripken, Jr., who broke Lou Gehrig’s record of 2130 consecutive games played. It is a story of perseverance, strength, skill and admittedly, a little luck. Inspired, I started my "Consecutive Days of Getting Out of Bed" streak. I was up to 4, but had a minor setback.
I did some research into some other longevity records. Being the responsible journalist I am, I’ve compiled them here for your edification and enjoyment (It’s the Truth: In Writer’s School, there was a course called "Making Sure Your Readers Think You’re Smarter Than They Are, Even Though You Spent Six Semesters Throwing Up At Frat Parties". That’s where I learned "edification").
Herb Belltower, better known as Inspector No. 12, put those little white tags into more than 1.3 million pairs of underwear before having his hand severed in a tragic elastic waistband accident.
Rolf Snuggli, a Swedish dentist, has pulled at least one tooth every day (except Sunday, which is for reindeer racing) for the last 17 years. It seems right to point out that Rolf is a major shareholder in Simu-Smile, a manufacturer of false teeth.
John Carpenter, an unemployed steelworker in Butte, Montana, has had a bad case of gas since 1959. The thrice-divorced Mr. Carpenter also holds the record (twice) for shortest marriage.
Mr. and Mrs. Leon Smythe, of Squatney, England, have been married for 87 years. They jointly hold the record for "Longest Period of Time Ignoring Another Person."
Tim, Tom and Julio Marquardt, Siamese triplets from Albuquerque, New Mexico, live with only one brain between them for 34 years. Julio became a phrenologist, Tim a minor league shortstop and Tom spent most of his life "riding the rails". The brain is now in the Hobo Museum in East Alton, Illinois.
"Jumpin’" Jimmy Crockett from Couer d’Alene Idaho, hopped up and down on one foot once per second for 11 days, 14 hours, 56 minutes and 4 seconds (that’s one million times). No one seemed to care.