THE OLYMPICS
As British sports announcer Des Lynan so adroitly put it "Going down to pub on Friday is not an Olympic Sport—but Beach Volleyball is." Des’ little quip led me to investigate the so-called "Demonstration Sports" for Sydney in 2000. Here’s what I found (and what I see):
Target Vomiting. America cruises to victory with Frat Brothers from UCLA, USC and Michigan taking Gold, Silver and Bronze.
The Cabbage Roll Toss. Eastern Bloc countries emerge as the early favorites, but Korea is a surprise winner when Kim Ba-Ya spontaneously invents the now-infamous "Kimchee Hurl" maneuver.
The Javelin Catch. Doomed to failure, because after the first competitor, a hapless Mongolian, judges realize that javelins are longer than people’s arms.
The 3-Legged Race. Popular at youth picnics the world around, now serious athletes can their legs together for national glory. America demands that it become an individual sport.
Beach Volley-Dog. Not surprisingly, the Mexicans are most adept at keeping a Chihuahua aloft using only their feet. Two classes: Live and Dead.
: The most obese teams ever assembled smash world records left and right and then eat them. In the Gold Medal Rounds, the Russians consume more than the annual crop of several African nations.
Full-Contact Gymnastics. Competitors crowd onto the apparati and attempt their routines while others try to pull them off. While this means plenty of room on the Floor, the Balance Beam is quite packed. The Chinese team’s unity gives it Silver, but the Irish, having substituted Rugby players for actual gymnasts, leave the field far behind (and bloody).
Butter-Ball. Athletes with large metal pans try to guide a frozen turkey into an oven at the end of the arena. Chaos ensues when the Tonganese Synchronized Gluttony team shows up to watch the match.
Staple-Chase. Distance runners armed with pneumatic staplers try to keep their opponents from finishing by attaching them to various hurdles, hedges and ponds along the course. A Kenyan wins by pulling the "breathe through a straw" trick at the last water hazard.
Watching American Professional Basketball Players Crush Every Team in the World. Oops. This is already an event.
Field Hickey. Teenagers make marks on each other’s necks and try to explain how they got there.
Elvis Impersonation. This is a clear sign that the Apocalypse is upon us, especially when the Japanese win.