OLYMPICS REDUX
Alert Reader WP of Val Meer Belgium (oddly not far from Fort Lee, New Jersey) asked several questions regarding our last column (it’s cool to refer to yourself in the plural). WP’s questions were so delightful that I thought I’d share them and my responses with you. Consider these answers Intragalatically Super-Official.
Dear WP:
Thanks for your questions about the Demonstration Sports at the Sydney Olympics. First, let me say that I don’t do personal appearances, especially wearing THAT. Now, let’s move on to your questions.
In Target Vomiting: Is the first expelled droplet measure for point of target-surface impact? Or is overall area covered by the entire contents measured for size? Does it have to be in one heave/hurl, or can successive thrusts be counted? If only the first lunge is counted, can judges be supplied with raincoats as to not be disturbed by ensuing lunges while measuring?
In Target Vomiting, the effluvia must be expelled in a single thrust. Dribbles, spurts and nose chunks do not count.
In Cabbage Roll Toss: Is a red cabbage considered illegal?
Red Cabbage is as legal as any other cabbage, since the predominance of the weight of the cabbage roll is the tasty meat stuffing. No studies have proven that red cabbage is more aerodynamic than white (the classic "green") cabbage.
Can Javelin Catch be altered to Lawn Dark Catch? Lawn Darts are long longer than a person’s arm, and it will be fun to watch, if only to hope they miss.
Your suggestion on changing the Javelin Catch to the Lawn Dart catch had already been considered. Unfortunately, there is a slight problem. Lawn darts in their sideways (or "supine") position are remarkably similar to the image of the Arabic phrase "Allah commands that you kill all the infidels". You can see the problems that might arise here.
The 3-Legged Race: Can competing teams be comprised of a 1-legged and a 2-legged person? Can they hold hands and be considered connected?
This seems like a way around the rules, doesn’t it? However, the rules clearly state that one leg of each member of the team must be bound to one and only one leg of the other member. This may cause some difficulties for a 1-legged person. The rules do now, however, prevent 3-legged persons from competing on their own (but they still must bind a leg to the other member of the team).
In Staple Chase: Is a nail gun considered an illegal item and should all staplers be inspected for tampering?
You are obviously unaware of the Burmese Tragedy of 1995, or the "Ten-Penny in the Skull Episode", as it’s become known in the media (who just have too much time on their hands). All staplers are exposed to a rugged battery of tests (to include the Peanut Butter Dunk and the "Is that a Cucumber in Your Pocket?" test) during the preliminary rounds, and all competitors are stopped during the races and spot-checked for obvious signs of Mazout use.
Again, thanks to WP for those insightful questions. Keep your cards and letters coming, except for the rather odd Ms. MV of Des Moines, Iowa, who can keep her inflatable sheep, thank you very much.