SHREDDED
Since you’re not a scientist, I thought I’d enlighten you on something that I think you really need to know about (I hope you’re sitting down): the fabric of the universe is tearing. It is already a large enough rift through which small objects, such as rolls of toilet paper, plates of nouvelle cuisine or Pat Buchanan’s brain will be able to fall through into the Nether Regions. Worse yet, that tear is daily growing at a startling rate. Soon, it will be so immense as to fit one of Rush Limbaugh’s jackets.
My primary theory on what is causing this is the world’s collective stupidity, followed up with a healthy dose of stupidity on behalf of individuals. Take this little passion play for example:
Bob (entering a room where Rob is watching TV): "Hey Rob! Whatcha doin’? Watching TV"? RIP!
Or maybe this gem from our American History: "We hold these truths to be self-evident…". Did our founding fathers actually think about that one? SHRED!
Even more contemporarily: A model complains about being objectified. TEAR!
Fortunately, there’s something you, the man on the street or the woman in sensible shoes, can do about this. First of all, avoid all Bob and Rob conversations. Second, blindly believe everything I tell you (because I swear, It’s the Truth). Third, do not repeat any dialogue from any TV program, unless it’s a comedy (and only then for comedic purposes—and only if the material is truly funny; "where’s the beef?" does not count). Finally, send all your cash to me care of this publication, so that I might fund a Cosmic Re-Education and Integration Program for the Terminally Stupid (CRIPTS). Your life may never be the same.
For more information regarding the incredible stupidity of people, check out the Darwin Awards.
Finally, this thought: don’t take any wooden nickels.