I SAID "UNIT"
The question of the single unit of currency for the European Union (or EU, if you’re into buzzwords—although that’s technically not a word, we’ll leave the pedantry for some other time) has been bandied about for some time. The biggest argument has been over the name. They’ve narrowed down the final three candidates to "Ecu", "Euro" and "Deutsche Mark", leaving those silly details like relative value for later. I’d like to do my best, as a conscientious individual (not to mention a typical American buttinksy) to help our European friends name their currency. The problem is, our short-sighted mainlanders want to use paper and coin as the medium of trade. I’d like to save the resource that commonly go into producing money for more important products like REALLY soft toilet paper and larger barbecue grills. I have several Better Ideas:
Dead Cattle. This would alleviate 2 problems at once. Our British allies will soon have piles of dead livestock to unload. Instead of dumping them into the sea, let’s use them. Since an entire heifer would be difficult to get into one’s wallet, I suggest units of varying size for smaller transactions. "Okay, I’ll give you 2 livers for that shirt, but not an udder more".
Umlauts. I’ve been trying to read German for a while, but these silly things keep getting in the way. Unfortunately, they could only be used for small values (akin to the yen). Perhaps the Germans could invent and Uber-laut.
Nose Rings. A fine way to get use out of an otherwise superfluous piece of jewelry. Like some places in the East, people could wear their wealth. Potential problem: mistaking trend-hoppers or skinheads for bankers.
Hair. This way, you could grow your own cash (an idea that was attempted unsuccessfully in the southeast United States during the 1860s). Parents could start saving for the kid’s college education by simply not taking them to the barber. Potential problem: the return of Poison and other Hair Bands (shudder).
Poor Russians. Now we could be on the way to solving several economic problems. First, if you use a Poor Russian as currency, you’d never need to carry a wallet. Your money could just follow you around. Second, this would alleviate crowding in some of Russia’s most densely populated areas. Finally, when you were shopping for clothes, you’d have someone to ask "Does this make me look fat" and know that you’d (finally!) get an honest answer.